Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So vagazzling was a success
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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