just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
