Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Less talking, more tequila
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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