Operation Purity has been aborted
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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