I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
