You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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