how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
