is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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