dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
