She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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