he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
