i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
