I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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