I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
zippers are such a cool invention
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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