everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
