Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
