Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
