I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
