I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
