So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
