So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
