dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
