so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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