We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
