Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
