Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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