I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
