i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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