Betty ford says i'm here all night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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