My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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