do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
