Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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