I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
