The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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