you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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