Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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