Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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