right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
