Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
