I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
