thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
