Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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