I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
