Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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