I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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