he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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