I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
