The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
