She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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