We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
