his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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