you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize