So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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