That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
