you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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